Psychologists

We all want to make a relationship work–and ever better, for an entire lifetime! Sadly, the fact is that a lot of relationships don’t make it that far. You likely want to do everything you can to avoid having your partnership meet that fate!

Many strive to discover the secret to a happy relationship, and the answer is more complicated than just one be-all-end-all! Here’s how psychologists explain four things that make a relationship work.

1.    Positive Thinking Helps Make a Relationship Work

Positive thinking is a powerful thing, capable of completely changing your perception of any given situation. It’s also something you need to have if you want to keep a relationship healthy.

This has to be a mutual choice between both partners in the relationship, says Licensed Psychotherapist, author, and radio show host Barton Goldsmith. Both of you have to decide to control how you carry yourselves to promote more positive behavior and manage moods together as a team.

Here are some tips for developing positive thinking that can help make your relationship work:

·         Approach Problems With A Positive Mindset

When there’s a conflict or severe issue, pause and breathe before launching straight into combat mode. With positive motivation, problems are more likely to be solved through compromise and open-mindedness, says Monte Drenner, a licensed mental health counselor.

·         Share Positive Events In Your Life

When good things happen, seek out your partner and tell them about it. Numerous studies have found that sharing these positive points in your life – especially when you feel excited to tell your partner the great news – can facilitate a stronger bond.

·         Foster Good Self-Worth

Positive thinking applies to each partner, too. You must have healthy self-worth that isn’t attached to having a partner or how your partner makes you feel. If you rely too much on your partner for happiness, things will fall apart pretty quickly! You need to feel secure enough in yourself that other people’s opinions don’t damage your self-esteem, says School of Love NYC founder and dating coach Monika Parikh.

·         Reminisce On Times Of Laughter

Did you know that studies have shown that laughing together and then looking back on that laughter together is great for a relationship? Dr. Megan Stubbs, a relationship and intimacy expert, states that asking each other about your favorite happy memories together is a great way to begin reminiscing. The shared emotions and memories bring you together and can even make you think of the future to come.

2.    Communication Can Make a Relationship Work

There’s a reason that so many people say communication is the secret to a happy relationship. No human being can read minds, so you need to talk to your partner about different concerns you have or opinions you hold, says Goldsmith.

·         Share Your Downs

Being vulnerable can be scary, but it’s part of communication. Your partner can’t know how you feel if you don’t tell them. Licensed psychologist, Rapport Relationships founder, and dating coach, Dr. Jennifer B. Rhodes, even goes so far as to state that letting down your guard can be a huge part of intimacy as a whole.

·         Don’t Make Assumptions

No matter how well you believe, you know your partner, making assumptions is a surefire way to land yourself in confusing misunderstandings. Lasting Connections founder and psychologist Sameera Sullivan points out that mind reading in this manner can be dangerous and that it’s much better to ask instead of assuming to avoid hurting anyone in the process.

·         Talk About Boundaries

Knowing your limits is essential in a relationship, and many relationships will suffer from silence and ignoring these problems than they will ever suffer from violence, says Parikh. Don’t ignore your partner’s crossing of limits or things that hurt you. Talk about them and be direct and clear about where your boundaries are. Don’t become compliant. Avoiding a fight isn’t as positive as it sounds, and couples that fight healthily and regularly often have a stronger relationship. You should feel comfortable discussing these things with your partner; if not, that could be a huge red flag.

3.    Positive Reinforcement

Reinforcement is the act of continuing to make it clear that you love and appreciate your partner. It’s easy to accidentally fall out of the habit of being sweet and romantic to someone you’ve been in a relationship with for years and years.

But leaving the honeymoon phase doesn’t mean the sweetness should end, says Goldsmith. If anything, you need to continue working on your relationship forever, and you shouldn’t become complacent in the way you show your affection. Here are some ways to make sure positive reinforcement is still a part of your relationship:

·         Encourage And Support Your Partner

Offering words of encouragement shows that you think of your partner’s experiences and pay attention to what they’re going through. Expressing admiration at their improvements or successes and being supportive in more challenging times tells your partner that you care.

·         Surprise Your Partner Now And Then

These surprises show you’re thinking of your partner outside of the typical red-letter days. Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., also The Kurre and Klapow Show’s host, recommends tangible romantic gestures. Instead of sending emails or texts, buy tiny gifts, write small letters, or help them check something off their to-do list!

·         Schedule A Date Night

Date nights are a break from mundane, everyday life, states Maple Holistics Health and Wellness Expert Caleb Backe. You’re choosing to spend quality time with your partner outside of your daily life. They’re your partner in relaxation and the hustle and bustle. Plus, it’s fun to get that time to yourselves to hang out! It spices things up. You get to talk to each other and rekindle a spark. There’s no denying the positive effects these dates have, so make them a regular thing!

·         Hold Hands In Public

Klapow recommends that you and your partner hold hands in public – just like you did when you first began dating! This act is intimate but public, a display that you and your partner are together. It’s also a natural way to bond through touch while indicating that you are happily there for your partner, always!

·         Kiss Each Other More Often

When you first started courting your significant other, kissing was probably a highlight of your dates. As time goes on, in most relationships, make-out sessions are replaced by quick, chaste pecks on the lips or a kiss on the cheek. Sarah A. Intelligator, a Family Law lawyer and owner of the Law Offices of Sarah A. Intelligator, recommends that you never stop kissing each other as you did before. When you eliminate these heated shows of affection, you’re subconsciously sending the message that your partner is less desirable to you, and that can sour intimacy and fun.

·         Keep Romance Alive

Just because you’re comfortable with each other doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still flirt and be sappy partners in love! Keep buying flowers. Keep doing romantic things. Be embarrassingly romantic. Act like you’re still in the early “chase” stages of your relationship. You’d be surprised how much that can help keep the spark alive!

4.    Be Your People

When you’ve been with someone for a very long time, it’s easy to slip into a state where you don’t do anything without the other. You become almost interchangeable and, in the worst-case scenario, could get codependent.

This is very unhealthy because the common idea that a partnership is two halves making a whole is not accurate. A partnership is two whole people coming together out of love and appreciation. Your entire life shouldn’t be about your partner, and you shouldn’t be relying on them to give you everything you need. That’s too much pressure for anyone, and it’s blatantly unfair to yourself, too.

Here are some tips for being your own person while still being a unified couple in a relationship:

·         Give Each Other Space

Everyone needs alone time. Even the happiest couples need individual time to themselves, says Parikh. Learn to be comfortable and feel positive without your partner next to you at all times. Lead your own life! Have your own hobbies! Have your own me-time! And of course, respect that your partner also needs all of that, too.

·         Assess Yourself And Grow On Your Own

You need to be a strong person on your own, continually learning and growing with the years, to maintaining a healthy relationship. Your partner should be doing the same. That’s why you need to evaluate and assess yourself, says Amy Bishop, M.S., a couples therapist. There’s no denying that even the very best people can have negative or questionable behavior. We all have toxic or bad sides to us because we’re human and flawed. Your job is to continue learning from your mistakes and being aware of the things you need to work on. Put effort into growing and developing as a person, and your relationship will grow, mature, and become healthier with you. Don’t let your pride stop you from acknowledging your weaknesses!

·         Have Separate Friends

According to research, the least positive relationships most likely to fall apart are those where you have all the same mutual friends. Think about it – you have the same support group and have no social circles of your own, which is far from a positive factor. Worse still, if the relationship falls apart, the friend group is caught in an uncomfortable situation. Mutual friends are good, but have separate circles on top of that, too!

·         Take Care Of Yourself

You’re a grown adult, and you don’t need another human being to look out for you all the time. You get to decide what you want and need and how to spend your time. Yes, you should take your partner into account when your decisions or actions affect them. But if it’s just about you, then be independent! You don’t need your partner to help you with everything or be there for every second of your life, says Parikh. Having one person as your only go-to is toxic for them and for you. Besides, you can always tell your partner about your individual adventures later!

Final Thoughts On Some Things That Make A Relationship Work

Making a relationship works takes effort. You need to stay positive, communicate well, make sure your partner knows you love them, and continue to work on yourself. It might not be easy, but if you love the person you’re dating or married to, it’s certainly worth it!

Do you ever wake up in a bad mood? It doesn’t matter how much sleep you get or how good you feel; your spirit is off. Sometimes, you wake up feeling great, but the smallest thing can tick you off and put you into a negative mood. However, you will live a happier, more fulfilling life by shifting gears into a positive mindset.

Someone at the office may make a snide comment, or you may find that you’re out of coffee, and it’s only 10 am. All the negative things that you must deal with within a day can affect your mood. However, you can’t stay in this mood as it’s not productive or beneficial for a happy life.

Why Do Your Moods Fluctuate?

Did you know that your moods can have everything to do with your ego? Research suggests that folks use up their determination to prevent temptation, but they drain rational resources.

Each person has a stress-threshold that dictates how much they can take without blowing a gasket. Once you get beyond that threshold, it alters your mood. You may become grouchy, irritable, or syndical of others.

While you see what’s going on outside your body, do you know what’s going on inside to make these changes? Your blood pressure goes up and down as you encounter stressors from the day. With these blood pressure fluctuations come the increase of cortisol, which is also known as your body’s stress hormone.

Since each person’s threshold is different, it can be a small thing that alters your mood, or it may take something significant. If you need to change to a positive mindset and put the moodiness aside, there are some things you can do.

Five Ways to Change the Negative to a Positive Mindset

A negative mood comes from strong feelings that you’re having that you cannot shake. Rather than face the issue and deal with the feelings, you choose to react. Thankfully, when you resolve your problems and face the things that are bothering you, it helps change to a positive mindset.

Even if the coffee container is empty in the morning, take a 15-minute break and run to a store to get more. Sure, it’s an inconvenience, but rather than stewing about such a minor issue, you can fix it. Here are some ways to help you stay optimistic.

1. Catch up on Rest

According to the Center for Disease Control, one out of three people in this country does not get the required hours of sleep they need. Do you know what happens to your body when you don’t get sufficient sleep? It increases your chances of developing mental distress, high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart problems.

If you’re not getting at least seven hours of sleep each night, it can put you in a negative mindset. When you don’t feel good in your body, it can affect your mood. If you’re having problems sleeping, then you need to talk to your doctor.

There are many herbs and things that can also help you get a restful night, such as melatonin. When you get your sleep back on track, it’s easier to keep a positive mindset.

2. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is the ability to switch your mind from a pessimistic state to an optimistic one. Today’s society makes it extremely easy to get sucked into a negative mindset. However, you don’t have to live in a place of discontent when you can change your brain’s molecular structure by using gratitude.

Did you know if you focus on your blessings instead of the things you don’t have, then you will be healthier and happier? There have been many studies that have proven that when you have an attitude of thanksgiving that it stimulates the hypothalamus in your brain to improve your mood.

If you find it hard to do a 180-degree turn on your gratitude level, start with small things first. Notice the beauty in your child’s face, or be appreciative of the lovely, cozy bed you climbed out of this morning. Did you know that gratitude can be just as addictive as being negative and grumbly?

3. Calm Down with Meditation

If you can’t seem to master a positive mindset, then you should try meditation. It can be overwhelming to find time to fit everything you need to in a day, and all the stress can affect your mood. So, you can fix this by taking the time to channel positive energy and release the negative.

Sometimes, you need to breathe. Scientifically, there is a reason why mindful breathing and the relaxation that comes with meditation works. When you experience stress or have mood fluctuations, the prefrontal cortex in your brain goes into an overactive state, which can lead to depression.

Thankfully, meditation is the key to change those brain regions that are linked to the blues. When you’re using mindful breathing, you retrain the brain to focus on your success and not your failures. When physical sensations intrude on you, you will feel negative emotions like stress.

The rhythmic breathing that occurs in meditation helps you work yourself out of a bad mood, no matter what comes your way. It’s because you are taking time to stop, and you’re sorting out all those feelings that are causing you problems.

Did you know that there are specific mood-boosting meditations that can assist you in your goals? These meditations are especially beneficial for those who are new to this ancient practice.

4. Use Your Support System

You need a support system to make it in this life. People don’t realize how incredibly important it is to have someone that you can call when the whole world seems to be going wrong. When you feel negative, reach out to a friend or family member to talk too about what’s going on.

A third party can look at the situation from the outside and put things into perspective. You can make a bigger deal of the situation often because you compound it with all the other stressors you have in your life. Getting good advice and support is much needed to keep you in a positive mindset.

Psychologists did a study and used brain imaging to see how your brain is affected by your moods. They found that people who verbalize how they feel often have fewer problems with sadness and anger than those who try to keep it all inside.

When you avoid talking about the troubling things, you give them power. However, when you vocalize these issues, you release the energy they have on you.

There’s all this noise inside your head that gets louder as your stress level rises, and you become overwhelmed. When you find somewhere and someone that is your safe place, you can release all the noise and have clarity.

5. Exercise

You already know that you need to get so much exercise each week to maintain a healthy weight. However, research shows that your mental health benefits just as much from a workout. The evidence and studies that have been done on this subject are overwhelming.

When you exercise, your body begins to release neurotransmitters like norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. It also releases endorphins, which all work together to make you feel good. When you are depressed, it’s likely caused by an imbalance in these neurotransmitters.

However, a doctor will give you a medication, or you take some herbal treatments to rebalance them. Many people don’t realize that exercise is so powerful that it can be the equivalent of taking anti-depressant medication.

When you’re struggling with negativity, you need to go for a walk, run a mile, or do some intense cardio. You will release those happiness chemicals to put you in a positive mindset.

Final Thoughts on Living a More Fulfilling Life by Shifting into a More Positive Mindset

No one likes to be in a bad mood. Consequently, you are responsible for your actions and your attitudes. The smallest of things can trigger you and put you in a negative frame of mind, but you can control how you respond to those triggers.

You have the power to move beyond the problem and live in optimism. Thankfully, your bad mood won’t last forever. If you need something to help prod you to give you some perspective, then you should look to the future and not the past.

Do you remember that day in 2018 when you were so angry you could spit nails because you were late for work? No, of course, you don’t remember. The good news is you won’t recall these little mood fluctuations because they are a fleeting moment in time.

Focus on your future, and live in a mindset where you count your blessings and not ruminate on everything that is wrong. You will be surprised at what a difference it will make in your life when you focus on the positive things.

Many people believe narcissists aren’t born that way. Psychologists aren’t sure the exact cause but think children become this way due to their environment. We have a more in-depth look into what causes children to become narcissists.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Let’s look at the clinical definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This is a diagnosed mental health condition, not just a term to toss around lightly.

Mental health professionals look for signs like the following: arrogance, chronic attention-seeking, manipulation, entitlement, fascination for wealth and power, and hate for criticism.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is hard to diagnose in children or teenagers. At younger ages, humans are always growing and changing. The personality traits of a narcissist usually worsen with age.

So just because a person feels the need always to be right or is selfish, those actions do not mean that they have a mental illness, necessarily.

The Study Of Narcissism In Children

There was a study in Psychological and Cognitive Sciences done by the University of Amsterdam on narcissism in children. This study helped figure out the levels of children’s self-esteem due to parental involvement. The researchers concluded that narcissism was predicted more by parental overvaluation than by the lack of parental warmth.

Psychologists’ View of What Triggers Narcissism in Children

Psychologists do agree parental behavior is a contribution to developing a narcissistic child. This doesn’t mean all narcissists are created by their parents. We’ll also examine some people are just born with that personality. Some psychologists believe children are more likely to show these traits when parents throw praise on them. Others think they show these traits because they don’t shower them with love and affection. We’ll dive into both of these views.

1 – Need For Approval

There are a few things that can cause children to become narcissistic. It’s normal for children to want their parents’ approval and their attention. Sometimes when a child cannot get that attention because the family is very competitive and only values high achievement, the child gets left behind. Sometimes the child only feels loved when they win. If they don’t get recognition for second place, they feel like a disappointment.

If a child grows up in a narcissistic family, they only see these values. They set up a lifelong pattern of chasing happiness. Other times the child feels defeated as they’re told over and over again that they aren’t good enough. They decide to love themselves and make the world like them since their parents don’t show them enough love.

Sometimes they go as far as to do outlandish things because they crave attention. When they don’t get approval, they push the bar further and further until someone has to “see” them and approve them. It becomes a vicious cycle.

2 – Striving To Be Perfect

When children believe they are only loved and praised when they “win,” they start to feel insecure. They think they’re only valued when they are unique. The child begins to try to be “perfect” to be seen. They strive for perfection to prove they don’t have flaws. The parent continues to put them down when they don’t get all A’s or score goals in a game.

If the child isn’t good enough in their eyes, they are set in a hypothetical corner of the room. The problem with this is the child loses touch with themselves. They don’t even know who they are at the root. They spend their time trying to perfect every activity instead of concentrating on their development as a person. A child should be able to be imperfect at times.

They cannot always score the winning goal. If a parent doesn’t tell them it’s okay to miss a goal, they’ll feel defeated at all times.

3 – Parents Who Make Kids the Center Of The Universe

Many parents make their children the center of their universe. This doesn’t mean the child will suddenly become a narcissist. Toddlers go through a stage that many call “The Terrible Twos.” If a toddler is neglected through this stage, they sometimes leave the stage without completing it. This scenario may sound like a dream to a parent, but it’s a negative thing.

They will mature into adults with this same perception of the world. During this stage, they should realize there are other people in their world. They understand they need other people, but they want to be independent. This is just a normal stage. Young children need boundaries.

If they aren’t allowed to fail and know their limits, they grow up without any expectations. They learn these limits by throwing tantrums, screaming, manipulating, and making up emotions. If they don’t learn any of these things, they might become narcissists. They expect the world does revolve around them, and they should get what they want.

The scary part is that this toddler then becomes an adult having a tantrum. They think they deserve attention.

4 – Parents Heap on Too Much Praise

Many parents overly praise their children. It’s the world of participation trophies we live in. You can work with your child to ensure they don’t go down this path.

As a parent, you have to help them realize they are going to fail. It’s okay to fail. Teach them empathy and kindness to others. Show them with your actions. Set boundaries for them daily. There are a million different “rules” on parenting in the world. Some say you praise too much. Some say you don’t praise enough.

The most important thing is to work with your child, so they understand you love them, but you have to set boundaries for them as well.

5 – Parental Mirror Image

Many times narcissists as children learn from their parents. When the parents treat the child as if they are perfect, the child starts to believe it. Praise is lovely to a child, but praising their every move can be detrimental to their development. When the parent shows narcissistic tendencies, the child might start to act the same way.

They see the parent showing off, living like the rules don’t matter, and treating people with disrespect. Children often mirror what they see in their parents. They start to do these same things without realizing it.

6 – Nature Vs. Nurture

Some children are born with a tendency to fell less emotional empathy than others. By nature, they are simply not as empathetic as other people. They don’t feel much emotion. This doesn’t mean they are a narcissist. It just means they don’t have this emotion as much as others.

Nurture is a learned habit. If narcissists have a mental illness of this sort, they usually are taught relationships aren’t as meaningful. They see people as objects at times because it is learned. They were born with the ability to love, yet don’t feel it because they aren’t shown enough love. Note that this does not mean that every child who isn’t nurtured with love will become a narcissist.

Noticing Narcissistic Traits In Children

It’s important to watch out for ways the child shows narcissistic tendencies.

• When they start to act entitled, it’s time to step in and show them who’s boss.
• They also may become aggressive.
• When they don’t get their way, watch out. Many times the worst parts of a narcissist will show when they are threatened. Their ego is their protection.
• Once you push it, they sometimes crumble under stress.
• They do not like it when their self-esteem is damaged. W
• hen they feel failure, they often lash out.

The Tough Truth

It can be tough to see these traits in children. Narcissists don’t seem contrary to the exterior. They act how you think they should. A person might seem to have all of the right intentions but always has an angle.

They often deflect blame onto anyone around them. Furthermore, they charm you with their angelic actions, only to later show their true selves. Children and teenagers often show all sorts of these traits just because of their age. They might not have a mental health issue but are just everyday kids. It’s important to watch them closely over time to see if their personality changes in a positive way.

Help For A Narcissistic Child

The problem with narcissistic people is that there is no cure for their behavior. If it’s changed and worked within childhood, they can hopefully let the other positive parts of their personality shine. They have to want to change. Adults must work with children that have these tendencies to protect their future social relationships. Many claim it’s almost impossible for them to have intimate relationships because they see affection as a means to an end.

Final Thoughts on Why Children Grow Up to Become Narcissists

Overall, a narcissistic child can change if they get intervention at a young age. Changing an adult’s perspective is much harder. Children grow and learn by those that guide them through life. It’s great to praise their strange artwork, but only if you do it to an extent. There’s a balance between neglecting your children and overpraising them.

Narcissists create an unfavorable environment for anyone in their path. Therefore, it’s essential to work with children to ensure their future is positive and healthy.