Raise

Well-adjusted kids are able to control their emotions and deal with their problems without getting overly anxious. As a parent, you hope to raise kids who become well-adjusted adults. But why does this matter so much?

Children today live in a world that can be fast-paced and overwhelming. The rapid-fire pace of life can overwhelm. As a parent, you must equip your little one to not only survive–but to thrive.

10 Tips for Raising Well-adjusted Kids

Here are 10 counselors’ helpful tips to raise happy, well-adjusted children.

1 – Be a predictable parent

Predictable parenting gives a child a sense of stability. Studies found that unpredictable actions and attitudes from parents are unsettling for kids. Kids who are raised with parents who relate to their children in a peaceful, calm way promote a child’s ability to control their own emotions and actions. Create a low-stress routine for your children with predictable mealtimes, playtimes, and sleeping times. This allows your kids to understand what their day will be like and make them feel a sense of being in control. Of course, life has its unpredictable moments. That’s okay, as long as the majority of your days, weeks, and months follow a predictable routine.

2 – Be a good example to your kids

The old saying, “do as I say and not as I do” isn’t a good parenting philosophy. Your kids watch you all the time. They watch how you treat other people, handle your stress, and how you deal with your feelings. And your kids imitate your words and actions. Have you ever heard your child talk to a sibling or a friend in a bossy parental way? You cringed when you realized they sound just like you do when you correct them. Living as a good example for your kids is essential for raising well-adjusted kids. You can’t tell them one thing but do another thing. They’ll see your hypocrisy right away.

Examples of hypocrisy in parenting:

• If you tell your kids to be kind, but you gossip about people to your kids.
• You yell at your kids, but you tell them not to yell at their siblings.
• You tell your kids to be patient, but then you get angry at the restaurant when your food doesn’t arrive quickly enough.
• You tell your kids to serve others, but you always tell your neighbors you’re too busy to help them even when you’re not.

Your kids will catch on to your lack of integrity.  They will feel it’s unfair when you correct them, but then you don’t live by the same rules.

3 – Teach your kids to respect your household rules

Every household has rules. Your kids need to understand the rules of your home and to respect them by obeying them. Kids need to know their boundaries. If you’re aren’t firm on the rules, they’ll feel like they can do whatever they want. Or if you’re too strict, they’ll feel like all you care about are the rules.

Explain your rules

Explain to your child why the rule exists. “In our house, everyone does chores because we all contribute.”

Praise when they obey

When your child attempts to do a chore, be sure to give them praise even if it’s not perfectly done. “I love the way you worked so hard to put away the dishes. Great job.”

You obey the rules

If the house rules are to clean up after yourself, be sure you do it. Don’t expect your kids to do things you don’t do.

Good conscience

If your child feels bad about not doing something that’s a sign they have a working conscience. That’s a good thing.  Emphasize that although they did make a mistake, everybody makes mistakes.

4 – Discipline your children appropriately

Discipline helps your child learn to better fit into the world. Positive and effective discipline teaches kids to obey without force. When you discipline your child, you’re telling them what unacceptable behavior looks like in a loving, firm way.

Studies on raising happy children found that discipline is one of the most important roles for parents. It requires lots of time and energy. There are no shortcuts when it comes to being a parent. What parent hasn’t had to stop what they were doing to discipline your child? It’s frustrating, exhausting, and overwhelming. But parenting reaps wonderful rewards.

When you discipline your child, be firm, but kind. If you tell your child they need a time out, stand by your decision, don’t waffle when they cry or plead. Effective discipline helps your kids learn self-control and self-discipline as they grow. Be sure you maintain a good bond with your kids, they should feel your respect. Never call them names or belittle them. No shouting, yelling or lashing out at them. This will erode their trust in you.

5 – Teach your kids to be selfless when dealing with other people

Kids aren’t born thinking about others. Everyone has heard a little kid yell, “Mine!” instead of sharing their toys. Unselfishness and being others’ oriented needs to be taught. Encourage your kids to help others, to share, and to have empathy for others. Plan opportunities for your family to help in your community homeless shelter or soup kitchen or participate in a community clean up.

6 – Teach your kids problem-solving skills

Your kids need to learn how to solve their problems. Your three-year-old son may need to learn to have self-control by not screaming when his big brother wants to play with his toy, but your thirteen-year-old daughter may need to learn how to compromise during an argument with her best friend. Here are three strategies to help your kids learn how to solve their own problems.

Give your child choices

Let your younger kids choose clothing, food, or what activities they want to do. Give them a choice of ‘this or that’ rather than open-ended choices.

As they learn how to make small decisions, then you can begin to give them choices in problem-solving situations. When your younger daughter is screaming at her little brother, ask her, “What would be a better way to solve this instead of screaming at your brother grabbed your toy?”

 Teach them to not give up

Encourage them to work hard to solve their problems whether it’s how to clean up their toys or put away their clean clothes.

 Let them think

When your child asks you a question about how to do something, don’t just tell them, ask them what they would do. This forces them to think about how to solve problems.

 7 – Teach your children to be kindhearted

Praise your kids when they show kindness to people or animals. Encourage their efforts even if they aren’t received well or aren’t well thought out.  Give them pointers on what kindness looks like. Be a good model for your kids of being kind to those around you.

8 – Teach your kids gratitude

Teach your child to say thank you and show gratitude to adults or other kids. Encourage them to look for the good even in difficult situations in their life. Congratulate your child when they express gratitude. Make it a regular conversation to point out what you’re grateful. Ask them what they’re thankful for.

9 – Teach your kids good health habits

Teach your kids the value of being healthy. Eating good foods, exercise, and taking care of your body are important things for a parent to teach their kids. Set an example at home by serving healthy meals and doing family outside activities like hiking, going to the beach or to the park. Stay active with your kids in the backyard playing soccer or basketball.

10 – Teach your kids how to express their emotions

As a parent, you understand we need to feed, clothe, and educate your children. That’s the easy stuff. The more difficult thing you’ll face is training your kids to express themselves. Kids are a bundle of emotions. They express themselves through crying, angry outbursts, or fear.

It’s difficult to untangle what’s really going on when your three- year son suddenly refuses to go to bed at night because of the dark. But as hard as it is, it’s critically important that you stay engaged with your kids in spite of their messy emotions.

Being a lax parent can cause emotional and mental harm to your child. Don’t try to address every emotional outburst, pick one, and work with your child on it. Teach them better ways to communicate. Give them some simple instructions on how to express their emotions such as,  “I’m sad about….” or “I don’t like it when..” or “I get afraid when…”

Final Thoughts on Raising Well-adjusted Kids in a Fast-Paced World

Parenting well-adjusted kids take thoughtful engagement on your part. Staying consistent in your words and actions is extremely important for raising happy kids. When you live out what you ask their kids to do, they’ll follow your example. So hang in their parents. Stay strong and keep working to help your kids become happy, well-adjusted adults.

Raising good kids is no easy feat. Children don’t come with manuals, and you must make instant decisions that affect their lives daily. Things are even more compounded when you have an ex in the picture, specifically when they are narcissistic.

Is it possible to raise a child in a split universe where one side is balanced, and the other is off-kilter? A narcissistic ex is a person that thinks of themselves first. Indeed, they will do things that will cause your children great psychological harm. Behaviors like not showing up for a visit, avoiding child support payments, and neglecting responsibilities are commonplace.

Not only did you want to sever ties with this toxic person. However,  you are forever bound to them because of your children. Walking away is hard when they’re always going to be there in some aspect.

Tips for Raising Well-Adjusted Kids

You don’t want your narcissistic ex affecting your child’s mental health. To ensure that they are well rounded and can roll with the punches, here are ten things that you may want to do.

1. Don’t Make Your Child a Pawn in a Game

It’s not uncommon for ex-lovers to be in a bitter battle over children. However, you must be the bigger person and not allow this battle to take your child’s mental stability with it. Never use your child as a pawn in this dirty game.

Many people use their children to get back at their ex without even realizing it. Some examples of this would be to say, “You can’t see your father because he hasn’t paid his child support this month.” In this instance, the mother tries to make the father look less than in the child’s eyes. She is putting negative thoughts in the kid’s head about the worth of their father.

The child will surmise that their dad didn’t want to pay for their needs, but that may not be the case. Even though all the things she said may be right, it’s never good to use the child to get back at the other party.

Your child is not a messenger, and you should never give them a message to give to the other party. In many instances, the parent who uses the child’s emotions as a vise will be the one that it comes back to bite in the end.

2. Put Your Children in Counseling

Some parenting situations are high-conflict arrangements, and your children can feel the pain of these rifts. You would be surprised how this stress can affect even the youngest child. Kids often feel guilty and like they are to blame for the way their parents act.

A narcissistic ex will make poor choices, but they can also direct their behaviors towards their children. Your kids need someone that they can talk to and a place where they are safe to say how they feel. While they love both their parents, they need that unbiased third party to help them cope.

3. Use the Court System

The court is well equipped to handle high-conflict cases where children are involved. If you find that your narcissistic ex is making everything increasingly tricky, you can ask a judge to appoint a parent coordinator.

A coordinator has training in reducing the stress of the situation, and the most important thing is that they can ease some of the angst your child feels too. An attorney is needed to help get this motion put through the court system.

4. Get a Court Ordered Custody Agreement

You may feel that to raise a well-adjusted kid, you need to work with their mother or father without the court system. While in a perfect world, that would be the case; when dealing with a narcissistic person, you need the court’s intervention.

The courts will establish a parenting plan that is fair to everyone involved. It’s best to have these guidelines because it gives you leverage should things be challenging. You can file a motion for contempt if the other party isn’t cooperating, which can be beneficial in a custody battle.

5. Never Argue with Your Ex

It’s easy to want to challenge someone who is selfish and thinking about only their needs. However, it would be best if you remembered that your children could feel your stress. Part of raising well-adjusted kids is making sure they don’t see their parents arguing.

Remember, you’re never going to win a battle of words with a narcissistic ex, and you’re just wasting your breath. Save everything for a court battle. Go by the court guidelines, and don’t let them get one over on you. Keep in mind that your children are always watching and listening to what’s going on.

6. Establish Firm Boundaries

Dealing with a narcissistic is not easy, and they love to start drama. Their goal is to turn the situation around to make you look like an unstable parent. It would help if you didn’t give them any ammunition for their battle.

Communication needs to be done in writing, like through text or email, so there is always a paper trail. You don’t want them to put words in your mouth. Text messages can be used in court, and this method of communication gives you time to think before you speak. Some people find it’s easier to say things in a text than by phone or in person.

When it comes to communication with your child, there should be set times, and someone should be listening in on the conversation. The narcissistic parent may call and try to invade your visitation time, and this is usually the case when your kid has a phone.

Always leave your emotions out of the situation when dealing with your ex, and stick to the facts. If you get emotional in your dealings, then you are feeding the narcissist’s ego.

7. Keep Records

You never know when your narcissistic ex will take you back to court. These people often forget about the best interest of the child and only want to fill their agenda. Your detailed records can help you to prove to the court what you’re dealing with from this person.

Keep a file with a communication log, any legal papers, social media messages, and texts between you, your ex, and the children. Anything that can be used to benefit your case before a judge, you should keep.

8. Watch Out for Triggers

As your child begins to age and becomes an independent person, the narcissist may have a difficult time processing the feeling that they are not needed. It’s not uncommon for a narcissist to have a flare-up as their child’s growth is a trigger for past feelings of abandonment.

Another common issue is dealing with the narcissistic ex is holiday madness. Just like anxiety and depression is stronger for some around birthdays and major holidays, the same can be said for the narcissistic person. When you learn their patterns, you can take steps to protect yourself and your children from these times of emotional upheaval.

9. Ask for a Guardian ad Litem

A Guardian ad Litem or GAL is a representative that the courts can appoint for your family. These individuals are to be the voice of the child and to express the best interests and wishes to the court. If you’re in a battle with your ex, then you need this person to advocate and support the child.

A word of caution when dealing with a GAL is that they don’t always view things the way you do. They look at things from both angles and submit a report to the court detailing the child’s wishes and what they feel is the best situation going forward. A GAL is a valuable person that can stand up in court and be an unbiased third-party working for the child.

10. Take Care of You

Make sure to spend the time to take care of your needs. How can you love and nurture your children if you’re continually using all your emotional and physical reserves to fight your narcissistic ex? A custody dispute is one of the most draining battles of your life, and you need to make sure that you don’t fall to pieces.

Don’t feel that getting a court advocate or a Guardian Ad Litem makes you weak. These people help you stay strong as they are there to assist in the battle. It would help if you had a counselor that you can talk to and clear the air about things going on in your life, and you need to take a break whenever possible.

Final Thoughts: Stay Strong for the Sake of Your Child, Despite Your Narcissistic Ex

You’re fighting to raise well-adjusted kids. Though you may not see an end to the battle in sight, there will be a day you look back on all these experiences and be glad there are over.

The narcissistic ex can make your life seem impossible, but you should stop and consider how your child feels. Your kids might feel caught in the middle of a tug-of-war, and they love both of their parents.

Raising children is not for the faint of heart. These little wonders don’t come with a manual, and by the time you figure out how to do things right, they are grown and gone. Thankfully, counselors have discovered what things that parents teach to make them grow from successful kids into thriving adults.

10 Habits of Parents of Successful Kids

There are no perfect parents in this world; there are only those who try with everything within their powers to raise good kids. Some children are more complicated than others, and for those challenging kids, you will need to keep reinventing your techniques. If you need a little parental help, then here are ten habits of parents who ensure they’re raising successful kids.

1. They Help Build Esteem

Successful kids are almost always the product of hard work. They have parents behind them that have helped to build their esteem. It’s easy to become so frustrated with life, even at a young age. Kids face pressures that adults often label as inferior, but in their world, these events are traumatic.

If you want your child to be successful in all aspects of life, then you must build their self-esteem. Even when they hit those rough patches, you will give them the skills and tips they need to overcome. Once they learn they did something once and can do it again, they will feel a sense of pride.

2. They Don’t Let Them Quit

Children are notorious for wanting to start something and then never finishing it. They may want to get involved in a sport or instrument, but they become bewildered after a short period. Parents mustn’t let children quit just because they are tired or have lost interest.

If they learn early in life that they can bow out when things get rough or they simply don’t want to do something, they will continue that pattern throughout life. Raising successful kids always starts with a drive and determination to keep going even when you feel like quitting. It will really be beneficial when they enter the working world.

3. They Teach Them Respect

Respect is taught at an early age. To get your children to respect you, there must be firm boundaries that they are expected to adhere to. Let them know what you will and will not tolerate.

If a child learns at the age of three that backtalking is not permitted, they will grow up with that mentality. Teaching principles such as these early on is the best way to raise successful children. If you want them to respect you, then you must also respect them.

A successful parent will never call names, put them down, or say anything derogatory, no matter how angry they become. Additionally, the child will automatically learn these words and actions are not permitted.

4. They Have Open Lines of Communication

A parent’s first choice is to yell, punish, or get angry when a child doesn’t do what they are told. However, you must step back and look at the situation through their eyes. Your child is subject to mood swings, bad days, and feeling off just like you.

The best way to combat when your child is acting out is to talk to them. Keep those lines of communication open. You must establish that they can easily talk about their feelings and find a resolution. Communication skills will follow them through life, and they are essential for working and having good relationships.

5. They Spend Time with Them

Your children need you. They don’t want to see you in passing as you are on your phone or computer all the time. Carve out a specific time that is for them each day. They can say how they want to spend their time.

They may want to play games, color, ride bikes, or watch a movie. If you just designed a particular hour like 6-7 pm every evening, make sure they know that they are important enough to be a part of your day.

You don’t want them to grow up with inadequacies because they were lonely or didn’t have time for them. Successful kids had parents who made time for them no matter how busy their life.

6. They Have Chores

Many parents are divided on the chore issue. Having responsibility doesn’t mean that a child must clean the whole house; it just means that they need to help. Having chores is essential for raising successful kids.

Do you want your child growing up thinking that they don’t have to do anything, and they will be waited on hand and foot? No! You want your child to know the value of hard work and why it’s essential to do an excellent job in the smallest of tasks.

7. They Teach the Value of a Dollar

Some kids are natural savers, while other children tend to love to spend their money the minute they get it. Giving your child an allowance and teaching them about savings accounts and a rainy-day fund is always advisable. They should know how it feels to save and wait to buy the one thing they’ve always wanted.

Children have lots of opportunities to put back money. Think of all the birthday and Christmas funds that they receive. Unless they need something, they should put it all in the bank but a small amount to spend. Many children can buy a nice car when they are 16 years old because their parents helped them to save.

If you just hand everything to your child, they will never know the value of a dollar. Many parents find that when a child must work for something they want, then they tend to respect it a bit more. There’s nothing wrong with a small allowance and utilizing tools to help them save.

8. They Give Firm Discipline and Direction

Gone are the days of corporal punishment, but you must discipline your children in ways that are effective for teaching. Discipline is a chance to redirect a child from a wrong behavior by showing them what to do that is right. Teach them that for every action, there is a consequence.

They should know that if they don’t make their beds and take the trash out of their room, they will be punished. Discipline should always be done in love and never in rage. Remember, they are little humans and make mistakes too. They just need a gentle nudging to learn that life isn’t always easy, and you need to do your part.

9. They Teach The Kids to Acknowledge their Feelings

The old philosophy that men aren’t allowed to cry, and girls cry too much is psychically disturbing. Your children should know from the toddler years that it’s okay for them to express themselves.

Now, you may need to show your children appropriate ways of expression, as anger is the most natural emotion to show. However, if you raise a male child to think it’s not okay to cry, then they will build anger and resentment inside. Allowing children to acknowledge their feelings and voice their concerns can help them prepare for the real stress when they get into corporate America.

10. They Enforce the Value of a Good Education

If you don’t make school valuable, then your children won’t value their education either. There should be firm guidelines for school from kindergarten on. Let them know that no matter what schoolwork and their learning come first.

Successful kids almost always have a parent behind them who is pushing them to be all they can be. Teach your children that college is not an option but rather a requirement for a good life. Once they have these things ingrained into their brains, then they will learn that school is an obligation that they must attend.

Final Thoughts on How Parents of Successful Kids Provide Firm Foundation

Raising successful kids is not an easy job. You need all the parenting tips and tricks you can find. Look to others who have raised good kids and ask them their secrets. Maybe they did something that you can efficiently utilize with your children.

Remember that everything you do, either positive or negative, will have an impact on your child and their future. Children require constant care and attention, and you must be steadfast on the rules and discipline for a good outcome.

Above all else, don’t forget to have fun and spend as much time with your babies as you possibly can. You will blink your eyes, and they will be grown. The real regrets happen after they leave the nest. So many people say they didn’t learn how to be a good parent until after their children were raised.

One of the best tips of parenting advice that anyone could give you is not to miss all the little moments as they will soon be gone. You don’t get a second chance at this monumental task. So you must ask yourself, are you raising a successful child?